Everyone has a frenemy. Try as you might to avoid them, you will always see this person at some social event. It is even worse when you have to bring them a present.
Whether it’s a birthday party, a Secret Santa, a housewarming party, or otherwise, you might consider getting the person you hate a gift that tells them how you really feel. So if you’re looking for gifts for people you hate and you want them to know it, check out the following devious suggestions.
1. Breath Spray
Buying someone breath spray is on par with offering your date a mint before leaning in for the kiss. It is one thing to directly insult a person, but something else entirely to buy a gift that insinuates their breath stinks.
They will spend weeks wondering if you gifted them breath spray to be kind or if you were “nicely” trying to tell them something. They will devote unnecessary stress and attention to their oral hygiene in the coming months.
2. Cheap Wrinkle Cream
Buying someone cheap wrinkle cream is a great way to make them believe they are aging poorly. No one wants their friends to point out their flaws, especially not the natural wrinkles of aging.
The best part about this gift is that the wrinkle cream is not even high-quality. A high-quality anti-aging serum might be a good gift. In this case, the cream will likely not even work. The recipient will get nothing from the present except the insult.
3. Clothing in the Wrong Size
Try buying them clothing that is either drastically big or small for their body. This gift has the potential to offend someone and make them insecure about their weight, so be careful.
However, it can also show them that you do not care enough to pay attention to their actual size. If you want someone to know you hate them, buy them something that shows you don’t pay them any mind.
4. A Therapy Journal
Therapy journals are useful items. Everyone in therapy should purchase them. However, f you gift one to someone who is not in therapy, it can be a problem. You may have just assumed they are in therapy for their issues. Alternatively, it suggests that they should be in counseling because they have some stuff they need to work through.
Truthfully, they probably should be in therapy. If you tell them this with a therapy journal, though, it can be offensive.
5. A Safe With the Wrong Code
This gift will spark frustration in its recipients. Give them a safe. You can either say the safe itself is the gift or that there is something in it. Attach an incorrect code to open it.
The person you hate will spend hours, likely spread out over a few days, trying to open it with the wrong code. They will grow frustrated. Eventually, they will forget about the safe and leave it to take up space in the back of their closet for years to come.
6. “How To Not Be an Asshole” Book
Save for telling someone you hate them; you cannot get more straightforward than this book. If you give someone a book titled “How to Not Be an Asshole,” odds are, they are an asshole.
This person will most likely take offense to the book and never read it. However, maybe they will read it. If they do, you might get a better friend out of them. Either way, you win.
7. Stinky Hand Sanitizer
Especially after the pandemic, people love to gift hand sanitizer. Most people love to receive it, too. It is so convenient to have a bottle of COVID-killing solution in your pocket.
So, imagine receiving hand sanitizer as a gift and sliding it into your pocket for later. When you finally decide to use it in public, you are met with a putrid smell. You have now rubbed this scent all over your hands.
This experience would be awful, so save it for your worst enemies.
8. Crapping Dogs Calendar
This calendar is just plain old funny. Every month shows a different dog pooping in a different place. Your frenemy might get a laugh from this one, or they might be grossed out and offended. Either way, they will likely not know what to do with the calendar after you leave. As entertaining as it is to look through for a few moments, no one wants to permanently hang a calendar of dogs crapping on their kitchen wall.
9. Ugly Sweater
Ugly sweaters seem to become more fashion-forward every year. If you purchase an ugly sweater for someone, they may feel obligated to wear it to avoid offending you. If you are lucky, they will even wear it right after you gift it to them.
Ugly sweaters are a great Christmas gift for someone you hate. Next time you have to be Secret Santa to someone on the naughty list, try it out.
10. “How To Survive Being Single” Season One
“How to Survive Being Single” is not a popular television show, so the gag of this gift is all in the title. The name of the show is enough to offend a single person. When you gift them the entire first season, it is like you are calling them out for being single.
There is nothing wrong with being single–Not until someone makes fun of you for it. Plus, the show is not critically-acclaimed, so either way, you subject your enemy to bad television.
11. Baby on Board Stickers
“Baby on Board” stickers or other baby-related items are offensive gifts. Instinct says to give them to non-pregnant women to imply that they look pregnant. However, you can also gift them to a man. It is especially cruel to give these stickers to a man in a new relationship.
The thought of rushing to have children with his new girlfriend could potentially panic him. At a minimum, you might pressure him to speed things up against his will.
12. Stink Bomb Perfume
No one wants to smell poorly. Most people would be excited to receive a fresh bottle of perfume or cologne. Give your enemy a bottle of stink bomb perfume as a gift.
Hopefully, they will spray it on their nice clothes while preparing to go out. There is no way to get the smell off in time. It tends to linger. The stench is a big inconvenience. They will need to shower and change their clothes to get rid of it.
13. Cheap Stationery
There’s an old saying about cheap stationery in the South. If someone is ungrateful, buy them cheap stationery for their next birthday, so they can use it to write you a thank you note.
This gift is passive-aggressive enough for the ungrateful frenemies in your life. Not everyone will understand it, but even if they do not get it, they just have poor-quality paper as a gift. Make sure the stationery is not expensive because high-quality paper goods can be a thoughtful gift.
14. A Tea Set Without the Teapot
A tea set is a sweet gift for people who drink tea. If you are dealing with a perfectionist, leaving the teapot out of the tea set will drive them up a wall. You cannot serve tea to guests with a mismatching teapot.
This gift will be more effective if you include the entire set, such as sugar and cream bowls. The more uniform, the better–As long as it is missing its centerpiece.
15. Makeup in the Wrong Color
If you want to offend or inconvenience someone, buy white foundation. Do not buy a skin-like white, either. Buy the white foundation you would get for a mime or vampire costume, and try to pass it off as authentic makeup.
Your frenemy will take offense that you think they are so pale. If pure white is not even close to their skin tone, then they will have a useless bottle of white liquid foundation and know that you do not care about them.
16. A Creepy Porcelain Doll
Giving someone a creepy porcelain doll as a gift is a great way to start a horror movie. You can act like it is an expensive work of art. They would not throw it out to avoid offending you. Instead, they would have to sleep with it in their home every night.
Bonus points if you cater to their specific fears. For example, if they fear clowns, buy them a creepy clown doll. Then, play dumb and watch them pretend to enjoy it.
17. Fake Money
There are few things better than opening a card and finding it stuffed with cash. Next time you give your enemy a card, put a few fake $100 bills inside it. They will think that you gave them several hundred dollars, but all you gave them was a giant slap in the face.
It is pure cruelty to build up someone’s hope and then tear it down. However, if they deserve it, then go right ahead.
18. A Funny Drunk T-Shirt
There are countless novelty t-shirts about drinking. They can sometimes make funny gifts for close friends. However, there is a demographic that would take much offense to a comedic t-shirt about their drinking habits.
It is especially amusing if you gift it to someone you do not know well. The shirt insinuates that this person has an obvious drinking problem. Even near-strangers can see how much they rely on drinks.
19. A Mug With the Wrong Age
Buy your enemy a mug, hat, or any other novelty item that displays an age. However, make sure that the number is not correct. You can make the age older if you want them to believe that they look old. Alternatively, you can make the age younger and show that you do not take them seriously.
Either way, the gift is bound to make them frown.
20. Raid Ant & Roach Killer
Roach killer would be a strange gift to receive regardless of the occasion. However, buy it for your enemy for their housewarming party. It implies that their home will probably be the dirty one in the neighborhood.
Plus, after you offend them with it, they may at least get some use out of this present.
21. “The No Complaining Rule” by Jon Gordon
“The No Complaining Rule” is a great gift for co-workers you secretly hate. The book walks you through the ways you can stop spreading negativity in the workplace. If you give this to your cubicle neighbor, they will instantly understand that you do not enjoy working with them.
Maybe your workplace frenemy will take some of the book’s advice. Hopefully, it leads to a more tolerable work environment with less need for passive-aggressive gifts.
22. Workout DVDs
Workout DVDs are a fun way to stay in shape. They are a wonderful gift for people who enjoy exercising. If someone is not into fitness, though, it can be offensive. You should never imply that someone needs to start working out–Unless you are purposely trying to make your enemy feel bad.
23. Bad Artwork
Consider buying your frenemy some terrible art for their next birthday. Make them believe that you genuinely love it and cannot wait to see it up in their home. They will have no choice but to hang it, no matter how ugly.
Every time you come over, you will have the satisfaction of knowing there is a terrible painting hanging on their wall. The art will leave a poor impression on other people for years.
24. Ugly Socks
Socks are not an awful gift. Everybody needs them, and they can come in fun patterns. However, so many people consider them to be bad gifts now. So, if you gift someone you hate socks, you are basically telling them that you put no thought into their gift. Instead, you chose a mainstream “bad” gift.
The gift itself is not terrible, but the message behind it is.
25. A Very Difficult Puzzle
The most precious thing you can take from someone is their time. So, next time you need to get something for someone you hate, buy them a nearly-impossible puzzle. A hard puzzle is an especially heinous gift if the person is a perfectionist, as they will spend months fixating on it.
Just be aware that if they do solve the puzzle, they will have a great sense of accomplishment. Their happiness might not be conducive to yours.
Cardi “likes to party” Clark has 15+ years of designing, planning, and executing successful parties and events. Highly skilled in event strategy, management, planning, and execution with a track record of exceeding expectations. I make it happen. I get it done and people have fun!