25 Really Funny Retirement Gifts for the Consummate Professional

Ah, retirement. Retirement is something we all desperately want to achieve one day, but it is a goal that might be out of reach for many of us. Still, those that get to enjoy the fruits of their seemingly endless labor deserve a goodbye present.

However, retirement means that it is time to bring out your best Old Fart whoopee cushions for the person about to clock out for the last time. We have found the 25 best funny retirement gifts for the office’s newest member of the “don’t call me anymore” club.

These gifts will be a hit at the office retirement party and provide a decent conversation starter instead of awkward small talk with the IT guys or girls.  

Oh, Look It Looks Like I Don’t Give a Damn O’Clock Koozie

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Retirement sometimes allows the retiree to crack open a nice cold beverage. This two-pack of koozies lets everyone know that the person holding the drink is out of care when it comes to the office. This gift is best for that retirement barbecue you will be holding out on the office dock. 

Somehow, despite your retirement, you are still being tasked with making burgers for the office. At least your beverage is cold.

Quitter: I Mean, Happy Retirement Insulated Cup

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For the person about to speed away from the company parking lot, a cool beverage is sure to quench their thirst as they laugh all the way home. This insulated mug will tell your favorite retiree to enjoy the sweet life and let them know how you feel about their final day at the office. 

Imagine drinking that delicious cup of warm coffee from this mug on the first day of retirement. There is nothing like the satisfaction of knowing you never have to go to an office again.

Officially Retired from the Crap Coloring Book

Retirement Adult Coloring Book: Funny Retirement Gift For Women and Men - Fun Gag Gift For Retired Dad, Mom, Couples, Friends, Boss and Coworkers.

If anything, retirement is a realignment of time for the retiree. It opens up new chances to try different things – including coloring like a 6-year-old. This retirement coloring book allows your favorite retiree to become a child again. We wonder if the retiree will still complain about coloring outside the lines.

How Retirees Swear Coloring Book

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Another coloring book? Who can go wrong with this coloring book showing off all the colorful language used by the people who stopped caring about what others thought of them long ago? You could even pair this with the previous coloring book and a set of quality coloring pencils or markers for the ultimate in curing craft day boredom.

All you have to do is make sure some of this beautiful artwork ends up on the refrigerator.

This Legend Has Retired Baseball Hat

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Apparel is the way to go when it comes to affordable gifts. This universal baseball cap with the phrase “This Legend Has Retired” written on it is the best way to announce to the world that you have slid your key card into the door slot for the last time. 

This T-shirt is better than any crown – it is a statement that your best days are behind you at some stuffy office where you still think you are a legend.

Official Retirement Papers Toilet Paper

Retirement Papers Toilet Paper - Funny Retirement Gift - For Retired Men, Women, Coworkers, Employees, Boss, Friend, Colleague, Retirement Party

Another selection in a long line of super inappropriate gag gifts, this roll of toilet paper shows what some people think about working for a living. That, and it is 3-ply, so at least you are giving the gift of comfort when it comes to going to the restroom. This gift has some utility outside of hiding in a closet for the next several years.

I’m Retired, You’re Not T-Shirt

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Apparel for your favorite retiree is the best way to show you care, especially this T-shirt. The shirt reads, “I’m Retired, You’re Not. Have Fun At Work Tomorrow.” What a way to make a statement to those still toiling away until the 5 p.m. whistle blows.

Joe in marketing is sure to enjoy this one. He’ll use the idea for some social media posts about retiring product lines in a few weeks.

Goodbye Tension, Hello Pension Candle

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Aromatherapy is a fantastic way to give a gift to someone heading to retirement. This candle with lime, coconut, and floral notes takes you away to some tropical paradise where the drink flows freely, and there is no care in the world. Talk about heaven. 

Heaven is also the thought that anyone’s pension these days is healthy enough to support retirement. Financial woes aside, light this candle and watch as your cares melt away.

Do Not Disturb, I’m Retired Lounge Socks

'Do Not Disturb, I'm Retired' Funny Full Length Lounge Socks - Great Gift For Retirees/Colleagues/Office Leavers Black

Do you remember when you got socks for Christmas from that one aunt you saw once a year? How about channeling Aunt Karen when buying these socks for your favorite retiree? Nothing says, “I love you,” like the gift of cold cotton. 

If retirement is all about comfort, relaxation, and removing yourself from all the cares in the world, this pair of socks is sure to be a hit.

My Last F*ck, Oh Look, It’s On Fire Candle

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There should be a cottage industry around candles for retirees. This candle should give everyone in the office a rousing giggle. After all, there is always that one person in the office who is all out of care. This gift is the perfect candle for them. 

This candle will be more lit than Bill from accounting during the retirement party.

The Ultimate Retirement Bucket List Book

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This book from author Sarah Billington gives retirees a list of things they should accomplish and enjoy since they have nothing but time. 
From visits to America’s great national parks to taking a trip abroad, this book will give your favorite retiree a plan outside of sitting around and day drinking after 40+ years of the 9 to 5 life.

Officially Retired Tiara

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It would be easy to give this tiara to the retiring woman who thinks she is Queen of the Break Room, but what is funnier than an older man wearing this on their last day? We believe this tiara would fit just about anyone. 

Of course, double-check that the male retiree has some splotch of hair so the tiara will fit on their head. We cannot guarantee if your preferred retiree is balder than America’s favorite eagle.

Retired: Not My Problem Anymore T-Shirt

Im Retired Shirt.webp

We realize there are many apparel options for retirement gifts, but what better way to show Don in legal that you care about his retirement than a T-shirt? This 100% cotton option at least comforts Don as he prepares to work his retirement days as a legal consultant. 

Don will continue to work, but at least he can do it from the comfort of his home while wearing this shirt.

Sh*t That I Should Probably Do Now That I Am Retired Notebook

Funny Retirement Gift

Retirement means getting the opportunity to let your partner provide you with endless lists of things to do now that you cannot say you do not have time to do anything. This notebook will provide your special someone in life to fill it with endless honey-do tasks like, “clean the gutters,” “paint the house,” and “fix the upstairs bathroom.” 

Nothing says retirement is like still having a boss, right?

It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere T-Shirt

Funny Retirement Shirt

It is time to channel your inner Jimmy Buffet with this T-shirt. Pulling from that famous Buffet-Alan Jackson duet song released in 2003, this shirt shows everyone around you that there will be a frosty beverage in your hand. 

Thanks to time zones, you can now enable yourself to drink at any time!

A Wise Woman Once Said: “I’m Outta Here” Tote Bag

Im Out of Here Tote Bag

Do you know what will make moving all your stuff out of the office much more manageable? A tote bag! Luckily for the retiree, you can get your retiree this handy tote bag to help them clear out their office space. No need for banker boxes here! And you get a bit of wisdom as you carry 40 years’ worth of memories out the front door. 

You’re outta here!

Retirement Survival Kit

Retirement Survival Kit

Even retirement is something meant to survive these days. What better way to send one of your longest-serving employees out the door with a box filled with candy, new business cards, and even a poop emoji pillow? This kit contains everything you need to make your employee smile as they shake hands with everyone on their last day.

Funny Retirement Coasters

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Just when you thought it was safe from all the beverage retirement gifts, this set of coasters comes along. It features funny quotes like, “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off,” “I’m retired. Do it yourself,” and “The question isn’t at what age I want to retire. It’s at what income.” 

This set of coasters will give any retiree a laugh while ensuring no one gets a ring on the coffee table.

Retirement Forks

Im Done Retirement Fork

Yes, some brilliant mind at Etsy has found a way to engrave forks for those getting ready to stick a fork in themselves. It may only be one fork, but the fork is personalized with the year of retirement or the full date. What a statement this is to a retiree: you are nothing but a piece of meat to this company.

It Doesn’t Matter, I’m Retired Clock

It Doesnt Matter Im Retired Wall clock

When you are in the 9 to 5 world, nothing better represents it than the clock. The clock is more your boss than your actual boss. The clock tells you when it is time for lunch, time for a break, or time to leave. What better way to represent the endless passage of time other than a clock with all the numbers falling to the bottom? Time is the one thing they do not make enough of these days.

Retirement Golf Balls


When you hit the links, you need everyone to know that your work-life balance is now leaning heavily on the life part. These novelty golf balls provide more trash talk opportunities to your buddies who cannot make par to save their lives. 

Wait, so you’re bad at golf AND old, now?

Adventure Before Dementia Metal Sign

Adventure Before Dementia Metal Sign

Here is your sign: a big hunk of metal that says, “I am trying to live life to the fullest before I forget how to tie my shoes in the morning.” Great for RVs or camping, this sign says you are ready to go out into the wild blue yonder before it is too late.

Quitter, Oops I Mean Happy Retirement Whiskey Glass

Old Lives Matter Whiskey Glass

No one can say no to a nice glass of whiskey after a long day at the office. Lucky for your retiree, all they need is a glass like this to imbibe. Happy retirement!

Custom Fake Newspaper Front Page

Retirement Gift for Men or Women

You have always enjoyed watching your retired friends be the center of attention. Why not make it official with this custom fake newspaper front page? 

Remember how long Ron in research and development would go on and on about how people used to read the newspaper instead of looking it up on the Internet?

Retired: I Worked My Whole Life for This T-Shirt 

Retired 2022 I Worked My Whole Life, Funny Retirement T-Shirt

Nothing delivers laughter more than a well-placed T-shirt. This one, adorned with the phrase, “Retired: I Worked My Whole Life for This T-Shirt,” is a new spin on the old phrase, “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.”

This one will bring a few laughs during the office retirement party. Besides, a petty little token like this is better than an awkward handshake from the CEO. 


With so many options, there is no way your favorite retiree will walk away from their party feeling like they did not matter. Your retiree should consider themselves fortunate if they receive even a handful of these gifts. 

But no one is luckier than the person allowed to leave a job on their terms and not because of last year’s layoffs. Whoever in your life is retiring, let them know you care with a gift that will keep them laughing and clutching the remainder of their 401ks. Happy retirement! We hope to join you someday!